Missing Finn
by mommamonteith
Summary: Inside Rachel's diary after the loss of Finn.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary:

I don't know how to feel anymore. He's always made me happy. Even when we weren't together he put a smile on my face. I miss Finn so much that it disgusts me. I missed him long before he had… passed away though. I miss his smile. i miss his voice. I miss his love. I miss everything he was. Now, that's been taken from me. I just got the role of Fanny, but that isn't enough. I was so happy when I got the news, but the first person I wanted to tell was Finn. That's not even possible now and that breaks my heart. Do you know how heartbreaking that is? Wanting to tell the love of your life, your best friend such important news just to remember they're not there and they never will be again? I know we all have to deal with loss, but why me? Why now? He had his flaws, but he was still perfect to me. I don't know how to go on anymore. I force a smile. I hang out with Santana, Kurt, and Dani. I act like it's getting better, but it just eats me up inside. I don't know how to live without Finn. I don't know how to love without him. I have no choice. I'm trying to move on, but I just want my Finn back. I want to disappear and never look back. I want to do whatever it takes to see his face again and hear his laugh, but it's impossible. How will I ever get over this?


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary:

I see his face in every crowd. When I close my eyes he's with me again, but when I open them and remember that's not possible… I lose it. I've lost myself. I've always been happy and ready to face any obstacle in my way. This seems like the last straw. The last bad thing that can happen to me. I shower about seven times a day. I try to get away from my thoughts as often as possible. I would do anything to have him hold me once more. That's why I have to try. Today work sucked. I had so many rude customers that I wanted to shout, "Do you know what I've gone through? Do you know what I've lost?" I can't though. We were endgame and now we aren't. I want this all to end so I have to try. I have to try to make it to the end. I have so much ahead of me, but it doesn't even seem to matter. If I can't share my life with Finn then what's the point of my life? That's why I have to do this. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone. I just want to go. I already know how I'll do it. "Rachel, you've gotten so skinny." Oh really? I can't feed this emptiness inside of me. It's there no matter what. "Rachel, you've always been so happy. You need to move on." Move on? You make it sound simple. Like I could just forget him one day. The one person I've always fought for. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I didn't love him as much as I thought, but right now all I feel is loss. No one's advice is helping me. You all make it worse. "I'll pray for you. Finn's looking down on you now and he's so proud of you." How could you possibly know that? I don't even know what I believe anymore. If there was a God why would He take him so early? I lost my virginity to this man. He was my person. I can't move on. I can't even think of anything else, but I'm trying. I'm trying.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary:

I had a dream last night. Finn was there. He told me how proud he was. He told me I'd have to eventually move on. Part of me believes that it really was him. I still wait for him to answer my calls. I call him numerous times a day to hear his dorky voicemail. I feel him too. When I'm singing in the shower I can even feel his presence. I've even seen him in the mirror. I haven't told Santana. She would think I'm being dumb. Seeing her with Dani is bittersweet. I obviously want her to be happy, but it's the same thing as the commercial. Why should she have what I can't? I'm also so ecstatic that Kurt and Blaine are engaged, but there's undeniable resentment. It simply isn't fair. I need to think about anything else. It isn't possible. I turn the shower water too hot just so I can feel something. I do everything recklessly, because what's the worst that can happen? Death doesn't seem so bad now. I need to think of Fanny and Fanny only. I need to stop thinking about Finn. I need to stop letting my life revolve around unhappiness and death, but it's too difficult. I need him here with me. I need him to tell me he knew I could do it. I need him to hold me. I need him to understand that he's my man and I love him so, but he'll never know.


End file.
